HEALTH AND WELLBEING.

A Compassionate Understanding of People Pleasing. 

It can be a beautiful impulse- the desire to go beyond ourselves to be of service to another- yet when we subvert our needs repeatedly, or indeed are not cognizant of our own needs, this desire can tip into depletion, resentment and despondency.

People pleasing is the term that has been given to this tendency- to give to others continually, without pausing to consider ourselves. It can be a trait that as its arises into a greater social and psychological discourse we can feel inclined to judge- however the notion of people pleasing is something to consider with delicacy.

Its origins can be rooted in the tenderness of our childhoods, when as children we sought approval and validation from our caregivers, or, our own needs as children we're silenced in order to meet the needs our caregivers. And it can also be a representation of the luminous desire to give and to empathesize.

As with any human endeavour it is an an art, for when one solely places emphasis on meeting their own needs without thought or care for another, it can a lonely experience. Yet when we always pursuing relationships with others, through sacrificing ourselves, it can lead to a sense of hollowness.

So then, how do we negate this balance, to develop relationships within and without founded in equality?

For this, each of us will have our own answers, born from our own life experiences- life is not prescriptive but experiential. But it may begin by simply noticing, recognising our compulsions and to honour them compassionately, for no growth or the change that is inherent within us can surface without compassion- which is ‘to be with our suffering’. And it is also to be in our bodies. The foundation of any relationship throughout every facet of our lives, is attunement, the physical resonance we create within and between us.

As John Kabat Zinn reminds us - “There can be no one way to be, no one way to practice, no one way to learn, no one way to love, no one way to grow or to heal, no one way to live, no one way to feel, no one thing to know or be known”

By Helen Coutts.

23rd Oct 2025.

References and Further Reading.